I’ve always lived life thinking I had dealt with my issues of the past: the hurt, rejection, loneliness, betrayal from others and loosing my best friend to death in my darkest season; and so throughout the years I have lost trust in people as a result. Sometimes, when watching a movie, I would be reminded of those things, and I would cry, but I would never think it to be a big deal. My spiritual life would seem fine to you, as I would seek God the first thing in the morning, I would always feel His presence with me and I would strive to do great things for Him.
On Monday I came back from an Easter conference called ‘Regeneration’ and to be honest I felt like I didn’t gain much from it, as I would consider my spiritual life to be at it’s highest peak it’s ever been—I was neither sad nor extremely happy. It wasn’t until I returned home that I came to a realization that my heart was still completely broken, all throughout this time I had built a wall as a defense mechanism and for a while, my pain became comfortably numb to me. I would never let anyone in and I was afraid of people. Inside I had intense emotions waiting to devour and consume me, about to make me go insane, but I knew that I could only seek and trust in God in keeping me sane. I admit I was utterly broken, as I slowly began to let hatred seep in and let it develop into angry feelings towards people, who actually didn’t really do anything wrong, but because of their small minor actions before, causing me to feel rejected; you wouldn’t have been able to see that deep down inside, I was hurting. Though I have never spoken up about my internal sufferings, somehow I have always wished that people would notice my struggles without me telling them; and though I’ve always known that no one is perfect, I have just wanted someone to reach out to me and I would be able to feel their sincerity. All this time I was ignoring and running away from my pain that has always tormented me deep within.
This evening (Good Friday) I was convicted to pray and to break away from all the past hurts, pain, loneliness, rejection and betrayal. To forgive those who crushed my heart, who stole my joy, took away my trust in people and to let go of a best friend who passed away. To take back what was my joy, happiness and love. Although I wouldn’t say I am completely healed, I admit that I still have trust issues to deal with, but hopefully I have broken away from the past things that have been hindering me to fully live a life which God has prepared for me.
To those who I know and are reading this, if you would be gracious in wanting to help me or simply to show love to me; I humbly ask for this in the form of ‘Acts of service’ rather than speaking in words. You may know that I have cerebral palsy, so one way to show me love is to simply walk at my pace or just accompanying me in doing things etc. The truth is, I have been hurt by words in the past, so words don’t easily move me. Actions of love speak louder than words.
I hope one day, God willing, I can come to fully trust people again and be able to live freely in Christ.
Thank you for reading.